


The Master of Illusion

by ThoseWhoDanceInTheShadows



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Suicide Ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-27 08:58:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17763776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThoseWhoDanceInTheShadows/pseuds/ThoseWhoDanceInTheShadows
Summary: Deception is a skill, but no one can hide from the feelings within. When you become what society believes is right and deny yourself what you really want, you could potentially lose everything you hold dear.





	The Master of Illusion

It was unusually dark for a summer’s eve. I couldn’t see the sun or the light blue sky, with its crimson and iron sunset. The clouds were grey invaders into this happy moment, like ghosts of the past lurking, forever present but easily ignored. I kicked the pebbles across the stony sediment that ran like a belt, connecting soil and sand. A pebble skirted across the beach, disturbing its smooth perfection, creating dips in its wake.

     I sighed, the harsh wind chilling my cheeks and licking at my hair. Even getting some space away from my lonely home couldn’t help me shift this dark spiral into depression I was feeling. It was like a leech stuck to my heart, slowly draining me of all my optimism. There were days like this, which seemed endless now he’d left my life. I wondered what I was even doing alive. Was I just wasting my time? After all, no one gets out alive. Wouldn’t it be wise to just cut the shit and skip right to the end? I felt it deep in my body. I needed him to live. Without him, I was merely a disconnected strand, invisible to all eyes that stared in my direction. The only time I broke from my thoughts was when I noticed it had grown much darker. The stars winked at me from above. It felt like minutes, but I guess in reality I'd been stood around here, pining for him longer than I expected.

     I continued on, casting my gaze out on the sea. It looked beautiful with the reflection of the moon shimmering in its depths, just like there was a second sky. Only this sky, it was so much closer to earth. A sky I could reach out and touch. My mind floated back to the night he left. The memories echoed like the howl of a wolf in an empty forest.

     The long grasses to the right of me danced in the icy breeze; it made them sway as if they were one single organism. I allowed my hand to dangle forlornly by my side, inviting the tips of their blades to graze across my palm. Their light, feathery like sensation reminded me of his soft caresses and smooth morning kisses. My eyes still focused out as the charcoal clouds rolled past, obscuring any evidence that the moon was still illuminating the world around me. I had no destination, a hopeless being in search of something that could never be externally personified. I was searching for the lost part of me, the piece that simply vanished when he left my side. I’d been left longing, yearning ever since. My legs ached as I walked the edge of the beach, tired but still restless. In a way, I wish I could wander the coastline for the rest of my life, undisturbed by human limitations, and merely admire the sea until my dying days. Alas, that was another one of my fatal flaws; I wished my mortality away, living inside a fantasy created solely in my own mind. A fantasy that once featured the most beautiful creature of all time. My gaze faltered as tears welled up frantically in the bottom of my vision, the untouched coastline glittering with their hot sting.

     A chill ran down my spine as my soul called out for his. I needed the glory his presence brought me. A harsh lightning bolt of pain shot through my body as I felt the tears gently wash down my wind scraped cheeks.

_I miss you._

* * *

  _Rain seeped in small droplets down the window, leaving glistening globules in their wake. The glass echoed with each pitter-patter that passed. Watching curiously, I tried to distract myself from the poisonous atmosphere both of us were floundering in. I remained solitary, sticking to the other side of the room in a vain attempt to avoid the glare he sent in my direction. I could feel his anger pulsate from him without even looking. Out of the amount of times I’d been wrong in my life, and the amount of mistakes I’d made, I knew this was the worst. I gulped, still focusing on the blurred image of trees that lay far beyond our back yard. The dense shade of greens provided ample material to falsely occupy myself with while the atmosphere escalated. The silence between us grew far more haunting than any words or cries could have been. The eerie feeling of his eyes upon my back was beginning to make my skin crawl as if a few thousand maggots were writhing beneath it. Soon my throat began to dry, making it too coarse for me to swallow properly.  
_

_“Numerous flings don’t bother me, Daiki, but…a child…?” he whispered limply into the fragile stillness._

_I wanted to turn around, I wanted to try and explain more. I wanted to him to understand that it was merely an accident, and that no matter how strong our love was, it was never going to be accepted by the majority of the society here. There’d be no point in even bothering, no matter how brightly the flames of passion burnt in our souls for one another. However, I never got the chance to voice my opinions._

_“A child!?” he repeated, fury making his voice growl, the usual soft tones turning harsh. It hurt that even when he was so angry, he still didn't swear or curse at me. It was one of the most endearing things about him. He never spoke to me in such a disrespectful manner._

   _I visibly flinched. The way he said it out loud confirmed my worst nightmare- the horror I’d suddenly found my life drenched in. Tears welled up in my eyes. I hadn’t meant any of this to happen; it was an accident. I never wanted children, I hated the thought of something dependent clinging to me, looking to me to help it live, grow and make the right decisions. But I couldn’t persuade a mother to give up her child. That would make my wrongs even worse, if that was even possible. Guilt transformed into wretched bile as it thickly built up in the back of my throat._

_“Tetsu, you don’t understand,”I pled helplessly, only to be harshly cut off._

_“No, Daiki, I understand perfectly. You’re giving in to this woman because you’ll never be able to face your fears and love me properly, love me the way you know you should. Why should I wait around on you for the rest of your life only to be second priority? To be a dirty secret you have to hide away in case everyone else finds out. We’ve been properly dating four years now, and you still can’t stand to stop having casual sex with women because you can’t accept who you really are. You can’t accept what you really want, who you really want! I’ve followed your every word since I can remember, been there for you every time you needed someone because the world can’t handle your pathetic mood swings and your sarcastic temperamental behavior. But you want to know what?” At this point his voice shook with such force his words began to crack. “I’m through with being your fall back. I’m done with being second best, when I deserve more from you, and you know it! You have my loyalty, you have my heart, you have my soul and all of my body. You have my everything. I don’t ever consider having sex with anyone else, it doesn’t even cross my mind, but I’ll never have anything other than your empty promises of a life where you’re ready to give all of yourself to me.” Small noises of pain and repressed tears broke his words down into stammers as my whole world fell down around me._

_“I-I’m done wi-with you.” The final words hit the air like a train, his sadness giving it extra impact. My body trembled as a loud._

_“NO!” escaped my lips, ripping my lungs of their strength, leaving me to pant desperately. “You can’t leave. You promised! You promised, Tetsu, always. You promised, even when we were young, you promised. Best friends that become more than that. You can’t leave. I love you! I love you! I don’t love anyone else, you’re my special one, what you’re saying is bullshit, and you’ve always been my first priority!” Tears clouded my vision as I ran over to him, grabbing him by the shoulders. “The child means nothing; it can still be me and you. It’s not a marriage proposal; it just means I’m going to be a father. I can still love you.” His top lip curled in disgust as he pushed me so hard backwards I tumbled helplessly onto the sofa, tripping directly over the arm. He'd never touched me in such a hostile manner before. I think the shock of that caught me more off guard than the sofa arm._

_“No! No! I refuse to do this! I refuse to let you talk me into staying. You do it every single time. You tell me it doesn’t matter who you fuck because you only make love to me. You tell me I’m the only one you’ll ever love, yet you’ll leave me for days at a time when you can’t handle the confusion anymore, because you can’t come to terms with your own sexuality. Well if you can’t accept it now, then you never will. I’ve gotten over it, I got over it at the age of sixteen!” He paused as my worthless sniveling filled the room. I could see the compassion bubbling in his bright blue eyes, but the rage swirling like a storm told me everything I never wanted to hear._

_“D-don’t go, Tetsu,” I whimpered, reaching a hand out, silently asking him to help me to my feet, to guide me through what I was feeling. To help me, to love me. Asking him to forgive me too, all in one action. Only the reaction caused me more pain than I ever expected. His scowl appeared with vehemence, his frown etched in granite. His eyebrows knitted together, His expression darkening his face into an unknown ghoul. He wasn’t the person I knew anymore. Something inside of him had broken._

_“Good luck with your future life, Aomine-kun. I hope it will benefit you more than I can.” HIs words stung like a blade to the heart, lacerating each individual chamber. I could tell he was so angry, **yet still he didn't swear**. It was a reminder of just what it was I was losing, of the amount of respect I had just pissed down the drain. I could feel my blood turn to dry ice in my veins, my body turning against me in the most fundamental manner. The colour fell from my face as I suddenly felt monochrome in a lonely world. In a swift movement, I pulled myself to my feet, leaping up to try and grab his wrist as he turned to flee in slow motion. My grabbing palm missed the smooth and pale contours of his wrist by mere centimeters as the living room door rattled in a violent slam. I scrabbled furiously with the handle, wrenching the door open in time to see him disappearing in the darkness. Shaking my head vigorously, I followed him with an insane determination to catch him. I needed him, I needed this. He couldn’t leave. He knew deep down I loved him, that I’d always loved him. Everyone else got the fake mask I was so used to wearing and lying through. They only ever saw my illusion of normality._

_My legs pounded hard against the sidewalk as I watched him speed up, my adrenaline throbbing loudly and painfully in my head, echoed by the rushing noise in my ears. I felt dizzy. I saw him sprint across the road. In a flurry of stupid thinking and desperation, I ran out after him, only to be met with the most frightening and horrid sound. A car horn blared at me as the sound and smell of rubber burning against tarmac smacked me straight back into reality._

_The yells of the profusely out-raged driver and his slurry of vile curses were nothing but a slew of nonsense to me. All I could focus on were the hot, painful stings of my tears as they tracked down my cheeks, and the beautiful bobbing figure of Tetsu sprinting away from me, hair flying in the wind, not once looking back._

* * *

 As I walked the last leg of the beach home, I mercilessly ripped the tops of the grass blades away from their roots in frustration. If only I’d known that would have been my only chance for a last goodbye. Fresh tears welled and I gritted my teeth. Always, this always happened, and it was so frequent. Why was I so stupid? Why was I so selfish? Why couldn’t I have just done the right fucking thing for once? It was safe to conclude I had been my own worst enemy. Single handedly I’d destroyed the one beautiful, technicolor life lighting my world. And what for? Nothing. I’d done it because I was afraid, cowardly, and he was the only soul in the world who could accept that and love me despite my flaws. Everyone has their first love, a great love, a love that consumes most others. It just so happens that because I didn’t hold dear what beauty I had, I was left mourning mine until the end of time.

     There was an electric twinge to the atmosphere of the house. It was like the remnants of our last argument here somehow lingered over me. The women I had accidentally impregnated had packed her bags and left, much like Tetsu did. For different reasons though; I couldn't parent very well, which resulted in her having to be a stay-at-home mom. She couldn't hack my mood swings and the bitterness Tetsu’s departure left me with. Eventually, she fled for a better life, leaving me with only ghosts and memories of a better age to keep me company in these isolated walls.

     Why wasn’t I able to push this depression away like usual? I greeted the loneliness like a routine, I placed my key in the lock and twisted it, blocking me off from the world, leaving me in my own dark sanctuary. Setting the jangling pieces of metal down on the hallway cabinet, I refrained from venturing further into the silence. My reflection caught me in the hall mirror. My face was pale, haunted. My eyes were home to sullen shadows, causing them to look sickly in the way the blue irises shone. Tousling my hair in a vain attempt to make myself appear a little more attractive, I walked through into the sitting room. For some unknown reason, my hands were guided to the unit in the corner. It housed my most precious memories in the form of two dark leather-bound photo albums.

     Kneeling, I began to rifle through the heavy pages, trying to find the photographs that meant the most to me. I bypassed those of childhood innocence and teenage angst until I came upon the ones of us in our late teens, in various nightclubs and daytime hangouts. Mainly parks and the apartment. Anywhere that seemed ‘normal’ for two  _friends_  to enjoy each other’s company. Touching the laminated pictures, I traced the outline of Tetsu’s smile longingly. One that was a special memory to me. One where I was actually in a good mood regarding our messed up relationship. Rocking back on my knees, snippets of memories flooded in. Painful memories that burnt like liquid nitrogen. Nostalgia was such a wretched, heart-breaking condition. But I couldn't stop the moving images as they played out in my mind.

 

_I took a quick sip of the drink Tetsu was holding while he was busy entertaining a few friends we had accidentally run into on our venture out to the woods by the local park. It was lucky, really, that they caught us now instead of in the midst of the conversation I could sense brewing. One of the same conversations he always awkwardly brought up when we were alone and I was in a good mood. I didn’t want to hear it; living in blissful ignorance was much more my style. Sensing the pull on the straw of his juice carton, he stared up at me._

_“Why are you drinking from mine? Drink your own.” He drawled all the vowels playfully before swatting at my shoulder when I’d finished. A wave of cheekiness washed over me as the sun warmed my back._

_“Because it’s yours,” came my usual reply. Anything he had, I wanted. He was my obsession and anything he had, I needed too. These were the little things that satisfied him, normally. I wish they were enough to really tell him how much I loved him. He rolled his eyes before smirking, turning back to entertain the friends I was rudely ignoring. They stood there, conversing with him for a few moments before I became bored with their presence. With them there, I couldn’t hold him or kiss him the way I so desperately wanted to. Tugging on his sleeve, I silently asked his permission to leave the situation, and as expected, he spitefully denied it. Staying put in a typical Tetsu-esque playful punishment. Becoming antsy with company, I grabbed his wrist, dragging him away because if he was going to mock-ignore my politeness, I’d just do what I wanted in the first place. Fuck manners. Giggling, I stole him away by his wrist, waving a fast goodbye to the small gathering of people looking rather startled and confused._

 

I smiled. The memory was one of those perfect ones that I recalled in the highest definition. Even the diction of the other words spoken by him remained in my recollection. The sparkle in his eyes from the summer sun and the warmness it spread across my back, I still felt after all these years. It made me hurt, but at the same time a bitter-sweet happiness wrapped me in its blind shroud. The void he left in my life could be filled for a short while by these memories. I was hoping doing this would help vanish the great depression I felt earlier. Turning the page, I came to a picture I’d taken of him without him noticing. I couldn't help but laugh aloud at it, breaking the silence of my darkening sitting room.

     Turning my back to the oak cabinet, I sat with my spine flush against the glass, losing myself in the album as more memories flooded back to me.

 

_The flash snapped in the semi-darkness of the music room at my new apartment. I hadn’t asked him to live with me just yet, in case people started to grow suspicious of us being so close. He whined before covering the lens of the camera with his hand.  
_

_“Why?” he asked, drawing out the syllable. “There was no need, Aomine-kun.” He went back to pouring through the colour charts we’d gotten from the nearest D.I.Y store. He was helping me decorate the place, because I was hopeless with anything of the sort. I had barely any fashion sense, sticking to random tees, belts and jeans, and when it came to colour schemes, I was lost like a child in the middle of a mall whose mother had accidentally abandoned him.  
_

_“There was every need. Your concentration face is the most adorable thing in the world,”_ _I stated, knowing how much this would get under his skin. “That one’s going right next to me on my bedside table.”_

_“Pfft, couldn’t you use a better picture, at least?” he pleaded, looking up from the glossy magazine spread in his lap. His position opposite me at the bare composition worktop we'd put up gave him ample opportunity to pull his infamous puppy look. Which he did. I pursed my lips petulantly; I wanted to refuse him, desperately. I loved pictures that are snapped without knowing. Unfortunately, his pleading, sad eyes were getting the better of me. I sighed and rolled my eyes._

_“Ugh. Fine. I hate the power you have over me,” I told him in annoyance. It’d fade soon because I could never keep any negative feelings for him long. Even if he had stopped me from doing what I wanted. In a weird sort of way, it was okay if he was the one stopping me. I could tolerate his interference because he was the only person I loved enough to excuse._

 

My emotions were beginning to swirl in an unfamiliar way, and soon my partly digested lunch was sloshing uneasily in my stomach. It stung, so much, and I’d never experienced longing to find him again with such intensity before. Biting my lip worriedly, I shut the book, unable to look at him and I together for much longer. Tilting my head back against the glass, I felt tears burn harshly once more beneath my eyelids.

     _I can’t do this without you anymore._  However, I had no choice. There was no way to change what had been done. But at the same time, I couldn’t bear the pain anymore either. He really was becoming the death of me. No wonder they call obsession unhealthy. 

* * *

 All night. I’d spent all night staring up at the shadowy ceiling of my room, the covers cast away from my body due to the sickly heat of the summer’s night. It seemed to appear that the events of the day troubled my night as well. I rubbed my sore, tired eyes. No doubt the bags that clung to them were darkening by the second. My head throbbed with exhaustion and too many memories. I couldn’t go on like this much longer. As the clock on my bedside table ticked, it felt like a metaphor for my life, seconds, minutes, hours, days just draining away. Time spent missing him, calling out for him. How much of my life would I waste away due to my pride? Was I ready to finally swallow it whole and find him? Was this the path I was meant to take all along? To find a way to make it work? After all, my job in life was to protect him. I truly believed that. Tapping my fingers against my bare torso, I came to a conclusion. In the morning, I would set about finding him. The question ‘Why do I love you?’ had tortured my mind for the past fifteen years, but it was time to forget about ‘why?’. It was time to forget about what people would think and just accept myself for the person I was, to indulge in the fantasies that were wrong to everyone else other than us. I just hoped desperately in my tired hazy blur that it wasn’t too late. I watch lights from headlights roll past the room, my half-closed blinds splitting the lights into segments as they frittered past. I could hear the  _whoosh_  of the cars they belonged to through the open window. Even that hadn't relieved the heat. One thing was for sure, I fell asleep hot, confused and restless.

     I wasn’t sure exactly what time I dropped off to sleep, but I awoke to the annoying vibrating of my phone. Stretching, I cracked my neck bones before reaching into the pocket of yesterday’s jeans that I tossed on the floor late last night. The sun shone in a coffee colour due to the heavy blinds that partially covered the open window. They fluttered in the breeze like the beat of a butterfly’s wings, alerting me to the slight drop in temperature. I hated mornings. The only mornings I could tolerate were the mornings I awoke to his warm presence wrapped around my waist and cuddled into my hair. I didn’t care to look at the caller ID in my fatigued state; instead, I slid my finger across the screen and answered in a groggy, thick voice, “Hello?”

     The response I got was not one I expected. It was my best friend. Well, the only one other than Tetsu. Our high school friendship circle had slowly disbanded due to everyone's own personal goals, which was sad. And now, we barely spoke. Me, Satsuki and Tetsu were the closest. I sent Satsuki birthday gifts and Christmas cards. We were lucky if we saw each other every six months.

     “Dai-chan…” Satsuki sobbed. My heart instantly hit my stomach like I’d just pulled some serious loops on a rollercoaster. She hardly ever cried anymore unless it was a situation that seriously called for a deep level of emotional turmoil. I hadn’t seen her all that recently because she’d found herself a pretty boy toy to occupy her time. Stuck in the honeymoon stage of her relationship, I hadn’t gotten much consideration. Worried, I responded immediately, fearing the worse. That her boyfriend had broken up with her and left her with even more self-doubts to riddle her brain and dent her self-confidence. Satsuki had a fatal attraction to bad boys, mostly the ones who worked in hell as chief drug abusers. You know, the type of guy who sold his soul at the ripe old age of fifteen.

     “Satsuki, are you okay?” I asked quickly, eager to console her as a best friend should.

     “No,” she blubbered through tears. I couldn’t comprehend what could have left her so devastated; to say I was panicking would have been the understatement of the century. I sat up, leaning my back against the cold wooden headboard of my bed. I bunched the abandoned blankets around my waist, concentrating on every little squeak and sigh emanating from the speaker.

     “What’s wrong, Satsuki? I promise you can tell me, and I won’t make a single bitchy or sarcastic remark. And that means a lot coming from me.” She laughed lightly through her tears before sniffing loudly, which gave way to harder sobbing. She stayed that way for a good few minutes as I sat awkwardly on the other end, wishing she’d made a house call instead of a phone call.

     “Dai-chan…” She paused, sniffing again. “I don’t know how to tell you th-this…” she stammered heavily as she once again repeated the sniffing sound. “T-Tetsu-kun was in an –accident…” she paused again as I heard my heartbeat roar through my head. Shocked, I stayed transfixed in my silence, my mouth forming into an ‘o’ shape. There was an awkward silence as Satsuki burst into tears again.

     Not wanting to be mollycoddled by her anymore in regard to the situation, I asked sharply, “Which hospital is he at? Don’t BS me about him not wanting to see me, Satsuki, because I’m going to see him.” It came out a little more venomously than I had originally intended. The words sounded like lead hatred as they sank in the air. I felt terrible but I couldn’t give a shit. Tetsu had only ever confided in Satsuki after we’d broken up. He’d lived with a few friends around the city and then, to the best of my knowledge, he told Satsuki where he was going before moving cities completely. I hadn’t seen him in years, and now I had the perfect chance to make everything right.

     “Y-you can’t see h-him, Dai-chan,” Satsuki sobbed, and I instantly snapped. No one was going to keep me from my Tetsu ever again, even if it was my best friend.

     “Don’t give me that fucking shit,” I shouted, my anger seeping from me without me even realising or acquiring the chance to tone it down. “Where’s he at?” I obviously pissed her off because she uttered the one sentence that broke my heart and shattered my life to a thousand tiny glistening shards.

     “He was hit by a car,” she spluttered before shouting furiously in misplaced grief and rage, “He was D.O.A!”

     I froze, stuck like an ice sculpture left to rot in this putrid moment. The phone slid helplessly from my hand as time slowed inevitably. My vision blurred as I felt temporarily deafened.  _What…?_  Tears freely cascaded down my cheeks without my numb body even feeling their weak existence. I could faintly hear Satsuki shouting my name desperately, mixed with fumbling ‘I’m sorry’s and ‘please answer me’s. But it had struck me too hard; the news had left me suspended in the most grating pain. I was overwhelmed, I couldn’t even comprehend.

     My soulmate…the pillar of my life and existence…my reason for living…had just vanished in one sickening moment…

     How can one half of a soul carry on living without the other? I always told myself that even if he wasn’t here, he was alive and living life happy. I swallowed and gulped trying to keep the pooling salty bile in my mouth down.

     Ironic, really, I did always used to scream at him that he was going to be the death of me. I guess karma decided to kick me in the ass, because I was the death of him. Maybe, if he’d have lived here with me, he’d have never ended up in that situation.

     My bleak world changed that day, but I still asked myself the same question throughout the hardest transformation I’d ever battled.  _Why did I love you?_  Especially when it seemed to do neither of us any good. Why was it, that as humans, all of us seemed to fall in love with what we couldn't have? Was it just a part of human nature?

* * *

 It had taken eight excruciating days for his body to be prepared for the funeral. Satsuki had taken over helping with the funeral arrangements because she discovered that most days all I wanted to do was lie in bed, sleeping or day-dreaming, imagining his voice echoing around in my head. I was too busy indulging myself in listening to all the 'I love you, Daiki's that my mind threw at me. I was dead to the world, living in my own head, and someone had to take care of business. She just showed up, three days after I'd hung up on her that fateful morning. She figured since I hadn't even bothered to wish her goodbye, I was in trouble. She still knew me like the back of her own hand.

     It was the day of the funeral, and it was the first day I'd gotten out of bed since I heard the news. The day's ritual started with shaving, because I had accumulated quite a lot of fuzz. Satsuki had then gone about putting a suit together for me, and she even had to lace up my tie because I was too inconsolable to do it. I kept getting it wrong, not being able to properly remember how to even fucking do it. I got so mad I pounded my knuckles into the wardrobe door, causing such a noise Satsuki ran upstairs to the rescue, fixing my issue. As per usual. Satsuki, my parents and I rode together to the sorry service. There had been a thick, awkward yet solemn silence in the car. My parents were angry about me and Tetsu growing so distant, as they had watched us grow up so close. The simple truth was they didn't understand, and I preferred it that way.

     When Satsuki had showed up, she told me much about what had become of Tetsu. He'd gotten a stable full-time job as supervisor in an art store. I could have figured he’d have done something inventive and creative. His mind was always beautiful like that. He had flings with both sexes, yet he never settled down and often rang Satsuki when he felt lonely. As glad as I was that he hadn't fallen in love with anyone new, the news made me depressed, bitter, and filled me with a potent self-loathing. He may have been alive, but I'd taken his sunshine from him. Left him as alone as I was, and that was not what I wanted to hear. In fact, if he had fallen in love, at least he'd have been happy for the remainder of his life.

     I skirted down the aisles and took a seat on the church pews. I toyed with my shiny, zirconia encrusted cuff-links in a mad attempt to distract myself from the expensive mahogany-finished coffin, which stood a little way off behind the priest. I don't exactly know  _why_  his parents had insisted this be a religious thing. Tetsu and I were  _far_  from religious. Done with my cuff-links, I played with my sleeves, my head bent downwards. His name was set in pretty black and blue flowers. Black and blue were our favourite colours, they had been since we were young. He had this stuffed rabbit as a kid. It was blue and funnily enough called Ru. I used to have a black rabbit, exactly the same, but I left him on a playground somewhere long ago. After discovering this, Tetsu cautiously shared his with me. It was a stupid kiddy memory, but it led to more, and soon I couldn’t handle it. I gulped thick tears back as a memory from high school invaded my mind. I didn’t want to think about him, I didn’t want to keep imagining him or how beautiful he was or all the stupid little quirks that made him mine, but at the same time, when you try not to think about something… It always happens anyway.

 

_The noises of the crappy carnival mainly consisted of screaming and whooping laughter emanating from the teenagers, the pre-teens and the adults that milled around each stall and ride. There was nothing extraordinary about it. There were same flashing lights that appeared each year, the same colour candyfloss hanging in bags from the stands. The same hook-a-duck stall and the same stale, greasy smells that radiated out from each of the hot food concession stands. I remember ditching our friends and making a run for the most deserted ride in the whole fair. The ghost ride. And we both knew that wasn’t because it was scary, quite the opposite. It was the lamest ride there, and no one wanted to waste their tokens or money on it. However, that worked in our favour because I knew it would be empty and so did he. I could see it in his cheeky smile and bright eyes. I walked shoulder to shoulder with him, just close enough to be in his personal space but not too close for people to deem it weird for two older teens.  
_

_Sprinting past the giggles, corny electronic music, laughter and yells of the Bumper Cars, we wandered over to the bored carnie controlling the ride. I nudged him in the ribs, using two of my own tokens to get us on the ride. It was my crappy attempt at being romantic, since I couldn’t hold his hand or kiss him outside of our bedrooms. We stepped over into the cart and waited a few moments in hopes that no one would jump in with us. After five minutes had slowly ebbed by, the bored carnie flicked a switch which brought the ride to life. As we heard the cogs start, I laughed, turning to see his vibrant smile and prefect blue eyes light up.  
_

_“Did you pick this ride for the same reason I did?” he asked, a cunning edge to his voice. I smirked, keeping my arm invisible as I laced it around his waist.  
_

_“I sure fucking did,” I replied._  I still remembered how the excitement and butterflies exploded in my stomach as we were encased in darkness.  _The slow click and shudder of the cart prompted me to pull him closer, so close his breathing mingled with my own. “We have lost time to make up for, haven't we, beautiful?” I spoke, trying my hardest not to smile at him. The only visible parts of his face were his cheeks, highlighted by the dim light in the tunnel, and the sparkle that never left his eyes around me._

His giggle echoed around my memory, haunting me, bouncing around my skull. He seemed so far away now, like my memories were the only medium I could use to talk to him again. ‘I love you’ would only be words I could playback, I could never experience them again. My bottom lip wobbled as I caught sight of the wreath in front of me, his name in our favourite colours. My eyes dared to stare at his coffin, even though I willed them as hard as I could to look away. I ignored what was going on around me, the words Satsuki was saying as she shook hands with someone behind me, or the person touching my shoulder, giving me their hollow condolences. I didn’t want to be here, I wanted to be back with  _him_ … Closing my eyes, I isolated myself.

 

_“But Aomine-kun, you can’t even see my face. How am I beautiful?” he giggled. “I could be pulling a horrible face at you.”_

_I smiled at him, burying my face in his neck, rubbing my nose against the soft, sweet smelling skin there, kissing it gently. As I kissed my way up to his ear, I whispered, “I’ll never forget your face Tetsu. I’ve been in love with it for too long. So trust me, I’ll remember every look. Your happy smile, your sarcastic smile, your pout, your puppy eyes, your ‘I’m trying to make myself look bad but it ends up cute’ face, the way your mouth curves as you laugh at my stupid jokes and the way your eyes look at me in disbelief because you can’t believe I just said that. Trust me, I know what you look like, even in the dark. And it’s beautiful to me. It’s always been beautiful to me…”_

_He took me by surprise when he pulled my face to his, kissing me hard. His lips moved roughly, their soft moisture reminding me of how soft the dew on grass made the leaves in the early mornings. I wrapped my arms possessively around his body, kissing him, needing him, in the cart of crappy ghost train at a stupid carnival. We stayed pressed together for the whole ride, our first serious make-out session since we’d told each other how we really felt. That was the real love we had, the purest time between us, when we were too immersed in the relief, in the freedom knowing that the unrequited was just a nightmare we could forget._

 

I was rudely snapped out of the nostalgia of his warmth by Satsuki. She told me I needed to stand because the eulogies were beginning. I watched as my parents went up, holding hands. My mother was weeping, her hands shaking as she used her hankie to wipe her tears. It was only then that I realised how old my parents were and how awful it must be for them to bury what might as well been their child before their health even started to become frail.

     I choked up, having to lean on Satsuki to keep me up, eagerly awaiting a time when I could sit down and zone into my own world. I was the only person who knew him for who he truly was. I was the only person who knew his secret desires, his secret hopes, his great loves and even greater hatreds. Of which there were hardly any, because he was just…so…loving. Tears sprang to my eyes as my father began. “We’ve always said best friends are a double blessing, and as the boys grew up, we began to understand the full meaning of that…” The congregation sat, the  _umph_  of jacket hems and black slacks reverberated throughout the cold and eerie church. I shuddered blocking myself off from my father’s baritone heartbreak. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to my only love, and I certainly wasn’t ready to hear everyone else wish him farewell so soon. I’d never lost someone to death before. Retreating into myself, I wandered into a happier time… A place in my memory I wish I could re-live every day of my life.  
  
  
_“I’m in love with you, Tetsu.” The words hit the atmosphere and sank like a lead a balloon. I was expecting screaming, pushing, hitting, disgust, but in return all I felt were a pair of feather-light arms wrap themselves around my waist, his skin brushing up against my own, in a comforting way._

_“But what about your girlfriend, hm? And are you sure you don’t mean ‘I love you like a friend?’” His reply shocked me. Was it a gentle reminder because he thought I was too tired? Or was it a genuine question? Either way, the words fell from my lips before my sleepy mind could formulate a proper response._

_“I’m in love with you, Tetsu,” I repeated. I was waiting for the realisation to hit him, waiting for the disturbed and angry shove that left me on the ground of my bedroom floor. Instead, he merely hummed, leaning down so he could use my chest as a pillow. Butterflies caused my stomach to flip as my heart beat against my ribs like a drum._

_“I’m in love with you too, Aomine-kun.”_

_In that one moment my whole world was burnt down, and like a phoenix I felt it rise from the flames…_

If only I’d remembered how I’d felt when he was alive, if only I got over my stupid fucking pride and loved him the way he deserved. I had a feeling the ‘what if’s would be my only companion in this life.

     Again my memories were ripped from me, left to echo back into the depths of my mind that they sprung from, as Satsuki softly snuck an arm around my own, pulling me up. My eyes flickered from my shiny dress shoes, to the minister that now took the stand. “Are you not going to do your own eulogy?” she whispered, confused, her voice thick from what I guessed was exhaustion due to crying. I turned to look at her for the first time properly that day. From that one moment of somber eye contact, she quickly knew that today was not a day where I was fond of sharing how I felt. Leaving me to my silence, she tentatively petted my shoulder. I set my vision skyward, focusing on the engraved and decorated church ceiling as the minister began to read from some passage in the Bible. Tears began to leak mercilessly from the corners of my eyes as a curtain was drawn around Tetsu’s coffin. I gritted my teeth and frowned angrily, suddenly seething that he was being officially taken from me. Squeezing my fists together, I tried my hardest to keep my pride and not break down. My mother and father did not need to see their only son clinging to a coffin, crying about how he wished he was dead too.

     I had hidden myself throughout most of the reception. I refused to be seen by anyone because the tears didn’t stop falling, and the memories of him didn’t stop jumping out from my mind. They played old songs that he liked, courtesy of our circle of friends. A slower, more meaningful one had come on at the very beginning when I was going around with a small tray filled with wine flukes, offering everyone alcohol, even my parents. When the lyrics of the song floated through to the room I was in and hit my ear drums, I dropped the tray in shock, glass shattering, wine staining and more tears pooling like lost souls in my vision.

     We’d danced together to it, in my room on a stormy night. A secret rendezvous that no one was to ever know about. I was singing it to him, and he was humming the rhythm. It only strengthened the loneliness and emptiness I felt at never having the chance to be that close to him again. Ever since then, I’d scrambled upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom. Trust it to be my house that was closest to the church. Trust it to be my house that was picked for the venue of the reception. After several minutes slumped against the bathroom door, I moved so I could lie, curled up in the bath tub, feeling disconnected from everything, even more disconnected than I had ever felt before. Until a sharp rap against the door made me cringe.

     “Hey look, Dai-chan, the guys are downstairs… We’ve decided that the recent…tragedy…is a reason we shouldn’t take each other for granted, and that maybe we all just need some time together to rediscover our friendship.” I heard her sigh softly on the other side of the door. “We were all tighter than anything back in the day.” I couldn’t help it, laughter ripped through my throat and I audibly sniggered. She heard, I think because she continued. “We’re thinking of a holiday, to Paris, maybe. Rest, relaxation and lots of distractions. When you’re ready, you should come down and we’ll all talk about it. Ki-chan told me he really wants you to consider it. He says it’s important we all stick together right now.”

     I simply replied with a feeble and somewhat broken, “Okay.”

* * *

It had been some time since the last guests left. I sat with all the guy’s empty beer cans around me. They were great company, and they’d even managed to score a few laughs out of me. But I still didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel like me. I felt…incomplete. There were no lights on, just an empty blackness.

     I felt numb. Numb to the core, frozen from reality and stuck in loops of endless memories. I reasoned that living in my bed for the next few days seemed like the logical and comfortable way to try and piece myself together somewhat. So I could try and think like another human being, if that was ever possible in the first place.

     Leaving the messy room, I walked out into the hallway. My heart stung as I remembered how Tetsu was always so clean, so obsessed with the neat and tidy. It made my knees weaken to think he’d never be around to clean up any of my messes now. With a heavy conscience and dead weight for a body, I dragged myself towards the stairs, accidently catching my reflection in the hallway mirror. I paused, hollowly, watching myself becoming more and more aware of the person I was missing. My other half.

     Frowning angrily, I hitched it from the hook that held it securely on the wall and brought it closer to me, tracing the outline of the reflection’s sullen frown. Placing it down flat, reflective side facing the ground, I hauled myself up the stairs. All the mirrors in this house would be removed by sunset tomorrow. I couldn’t even look myself in the face. I was nothing but a gaunt and worthless reminder of all the failures I’d managed to commit. The biggest being a failure to protect him. The one thing that kept repeating, the one thought swarming me like an angry army of wasps right now, was  _how can one half-soul live without the other_? Especially with the way I loved him, the way I needed him, the way my life still revolved around him.  _Is life worth living without love?_  My heart knew the answer, but I didn’t blame it for secreting it away from my brain. I couldn’t fathom the outcome if I finally stopped lying to myself.

     After all, I was a master in the art of illusion.

**Author's Note:**

> Definitely not our usual style, though the first draft was even more different. Spawned from wanting to vent about loss. Sorry if it is bad. Thank you for reading!


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